Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

The old saying says that love is just around the corner, but you seem to be trapped in a circular room.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20) 

Despite your deep fear that no one will notice when you die, you can take solace that the pack of wolves will know exactly what happened.

Aries (March 21 – April 20) 

The fates are watching you closely, and they saw what you did on Wednesday.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Today you will be successful at anything you try, except for bowling. Avoid bowling at all cost.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Soon you will be punished when you play with stronger forces then you, specifically, gravity.

Cancer (June 22 – July 23)

Your soon to come out of body experience will make you truly realize how out of shape you are.

Leo (July 24 – August 23)

The fates say your future is quite clouded, which would explain why you never saw that Doberman coming.

 Virgo (August 24 – September 23) 

There is little one can do to stop fate, but putting an end to your coal walking hobby is a start.

Libra (September 24 – October 24)

A tall, dark stranger is in your near future, but quite sadly he has to go back to the insane-asylum soon.

Scorpio (October 25 – November 22) 

Saturn is coming closer, meaning you can do anything you want, just like you always do, you little twit. 

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

Through a long and complex series of events, you will find yourself arrested for being in a chinchilla pouching business.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You’re belief that you can do anything will be tested greatly by a speeding truck, a large bowl of pasta, two elephants, and twenty FBI agents.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

You will finally find someone else who loves ice cream as much as you do, and the hatred that ensues will last for the rest of your short violent lives.